Pre-Child Proceedings Advice
This Help Guide has been written for you to read and digest before you embark upon any child arrangements or child proceedings. The journey you intend to take may be stressful, tiring and emotional. It is very important you are prepared, know what your getting into, are aware of the pitfalls and you start as you mean to go on so you can navigate the whole process with as much calmness and peace as possible.
We understand we cannot take all your stress away but this website is intended to reduce your stress as much as is possible.
We suggest you read the 12 points below before you begin any proceedings.
1) RESEARCH ALL THE OPTIONS AVAILABLE TO YOU SO YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW YOU WANT TO SORT OUT YOUR CHILD ARRANGEMENTS & CHILD PROCEEDINGS
Although there are some child arrangements such as adoption where the courts and Cafcass are completely involved throughout the process, there are so many other child arrangements especially those after a family breakdown that can be sorted out outside of the courts and the only thing you will need a court for is to get your arrangements and decisions agreed by them so your arrangements can become legally binding.
Today, there are many choices available to people including ‘do it yourselves’ (DIY) arrangements and mediation. The most important factor here is that whatever choice is made, it must be the best for your immediate family – you, your partner, your children, and your pets. This can save you so much time, money and heartache. Please click on the links below.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR DO IT YOURSELF CHILD ARRANGEMENTS
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR CHILD ARRANGEMENTS WITH MEDIATION HELP
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR CHILD ARRANGEMENTS FOR GRANDPARENTS AND THE WIDER FAMILY
Please note – You do not always have to sort out child arrangements through the courts you can do it between yourselves or with the help of mediation.
2) LEARN THE WHOLE CHILD ARRANGEMENTS & CHILD PROCEEDINGS PROCESS FIRST
You must be aware of the whole process of any child arrangements and the whole court process of child proceedings from start to finish so there are no surprises and you do not get confused. This is where this website will help you. We have written Help Guides about the whole court process for the different types of child proceedings you could find yourself in, the administration process, and the forms required.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR OTHER CHILD ARRANGEMENTS
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR GRANDPARENTS AND THE WIDER FAMILY
Once you have read through and understood our Help Guides you will know what to expect when, be able to make preparations and be in control of the process.
3) GATHER EVIDENCE AND PAPERWORK YOU MAY NEED
When your embark upon child proceedings there will be much paperwork you will need to provide. You will require evidence of your identity when your start the court process by submitting the initial applications forms, evidence of your income if you are applying for help with your court fees and evidence to support any allegations if you are making them.
Once you have read our L.I.P Help Guides that explain the court process and forms for your case you will get a better idea of what documents, paperwork and evidence you will need to gather.
Have a special A4 file where you keep all your documents so they are available on hand when you need them. This will make your life easy.
4) BE CAREFUL OF YOUR TRIGGERS AND NOTE THEM DOWN.
Child proceedings can be full of stress, arguments and tension. But, they don’t have to be. It is very important that you try and reduce the tension and stress to a minimum by remaining calm and communication with the other side at all times.
If you and your ex-partner are sorting our child arrangements after a family breakdown, one of you or both of you may bring animosity and anger with you to the process. All partners argue, fight, and bicker. Most of us know what triggers us to see red and what triggers our partner. You will also be aware of any recent things that have happened that may have caused arguments in your relationship. It is important you write down all yours and your partner’s triggers in a list – past and present – so you can remember to avoid them, and if you can’t avoid them, then to remember to stay calm instead of biting at each other during the child arrangements and proceedings. You must also try not to allow others – solicitors, barristers, family, and friends – to utilise these triggers and cause friction so your arguments fits into their agenda, which often includes making money out of your proceedings.
For other type of child proceedings try not to get angry, react and get frustrated during the process. As explained above know what triggers your anger and makes you react in a negative or destructive way and try and communicate with the other side as much as possible to avoid an animosity.
Please remember, every single argument or conflict between you and your partner/the other side during child arrangements and proceedings will cost you. Whether it’s money, peace or harmony, you, your partner and your children will pay for it. You will start to lose control over your case and this is something you must try not to allow.
5) KEEP THE COMMUNICATION GOING
Communicate, communicate and communicate.
Whether your child arrangements is after a family breakdown or you are adopting a child for example, you will have to deal with the other side (the opposing party, your ex-partner, also referred as the respondents) and it is always best to have an open door of communication. Please try and be amicable so that you and the other side do not end up just communicating through solicitors.
If at the present there is little or none communication between you and the other side or you both have reached a point where you don’t want to, then try and change it. If we could, we would emphasise this a thousand times to you. Communication during child proceedings with the other side will save you – time, money, money, and more money. Shed loads of money! It will bring you peace and harmony. Think of the bigger picture and be the bigger person. Don’t think with your ego, especially if it means saving money and heartache. Start now to develop a relationship with the other side where you both can talk to each other.
At all times remember your trigger list and avoid it both for you and the other side.
6) DECIDE WHEN THE TIMING IS RIGHT TO START CHILD ARRANGEMENTS AND CHILD PROCEEDINGS
If you are sorting out child arrangements after a family breakdown then both you and your partner need to be on the same page about this. If your children are in the middle of exams, please wait until they end. If a family member is in the middle of a health scare and is under treatment, it might be prudent to wait. However, do not also let your partner use timing as an excuse to delay sorting out your child arrangements either.
If you are adopting or fostering for example you need to go through our Help Guide for 28 day final lap of decision making to choose whether you want to share your life with a child. You will be shown what you need to think about before embarking upon child arrangements. Please click on the link below.
7) SIT THE FAMILY OR THE CHILDREN DOWN AND TALK
Whether you are sorting out child arrangements after a family breakdown or adopting or fostering for example you will at some time have to inform your children and family of what is going on and why.
Please remember – your family and home belongs just as much to your children as to you. Please put a great deal of thought into how you and your partner (if this applies in your case) are going to inform the children and the rest of the family. Reassure the children because they may worry about how their life will change and whether they may lose their parent or parents. Your children and family members may react badly. Please allow them this reaction, to get over the shock and for them to acclimatise to the information they have been told. Remember to be patient, supportive, and understanding at all times.
8) IF THIS APPLIES TO YOUR CASE, PROMISE EACH OTHER THAT YOU WILL CO-PARENT THE CHILDREN AND NEITHER OF YOU WILL RESORT TO PARENT ALIENATION.
If you are sorting out your child arrangements after a family breakdown and there has been no domestic violence or abuse and the children are not at risk then it is important that you both discuss co-parenting and parental alienation now before child proceedings start. It is very easy to fall into the trap of resentment and bitterness with the children suffering as a consequence.
Sit down with your partner and promise each other three things:
1) That you will both co-parent the children amicably and lovingly, putting their needs and emotional well-being first.
2) You will both be kind to each other and speak about each other in a positive light in front of the children whether the other partner is present or not.
3) Neither of you will talk about the details and reasons of the family breakdown to the children, in front of the children or within hearing distance of the children.
You could both make your own personal contract between you, sign it and each keep a copy. When things start to get heated one of you can remind the other about the contract and the promise you both made with regards to the children.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR THE IMPORTANCE OF CO-PARENTING FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR ALIENATION AND THE CHILD
9) IF YOU CHOOSE TO GO FORWARD WITH YOUR CHILD PROCEEDINGS, THEN UNDERSTAND NOW, YOU MUST START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON TO SUCCESSFULLY NAVIGATE YOUR CASE.
If you choose to start child arrangements and proceedings, as a litigant in person you will need to be on top of everything at all times. Make preparations now. Put files, diaries, notebooks, in fact your complete system in place so you can navigate the whole process successfully –
a) MAKE SEPARATE FILES FOR DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR CHILD ARRANGEMNTS AND PROCEEDINGS – It is very important to be organised and keep your papers and forms in one place and in order. Buy a separate lever arch A4 file for the different parts of your child arrangements (child maintenance, court paperwork, mediation)
b) KEEP ALL CONTACT PHONE NUMBERS AND ADDRESSES IN ONE PLACE – Keep all contact numbers and full addresses in relation to your child arrangements and proceedings in one place, such as your phone. You can also write down these details in an address book, online address book, or on the front pages of each lever arch A4 file. Please also note down additional details such as opening times, alternative numbers, and extension numbers.
c) WRITE DOWN IN DETAIL ALL CONVERSATIONS THAT YOU HAVE FROM NOW ON – Every time you call the court, an organisation, a mediator, the police, or anyone in the legal profession write down the date, time, number you called, who you spoke to, what was said, what was agreed, what paperwork is involved, and when you will receive the paperwork or will send it.
d) PHOTOCOPY AND KEEP ALL FORMS AND PAPERWORK YOU SEND ANYWHERE – Keep a copy of every single form, evidence, report, medical notes, statements, and court orders to name a few in your files. Never send any paperwork anywhere unless you have kept a copy.
e) KEEP ALL POSTAGE RECEIPTS AS PROOF – When you post court forms to the court or any paperwork anywhere, send it signed for recorded delivery and keep the postage receipt. Write down on the back of the receipt what was sent and where. This will be your proof if your forms go missing.
f) DO NOT SUBMIT OR HAND OVER ANY PAPERWORK TO ANYBODY WITHOUT RECEIPT OF PROOF – Some courts have a letterbox or box where you can post your paperwork. The court staff will empty the box once a day, most probably in the morning. But you have no proof you posted it. What you can do is video yourself putting your paperwork inside an envelope, sealing this envelope with the address on it, then posting the envelope through the court letterbox. Now you have proof you posted it.
Of course, if you send paperwork via email you automatically have proof.
g) BUY A CHEAP HOUSEHOLD PHOTOCOPIER/PRINTER/SCANNER WITH A MULTI-FEED – There are many cheap household all in one photocopier/printer/scanners available to buy. Please make sure you buy one with a multi-feed so you can scan/photocopy multipage documents easily in one go. A point of advice – you can buy cheap printer inks on EBAY.
h) DON’T BE EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU FILL OUT FORMS WRONG OR SAY THE WRONG THINGS – I cannot stress to you the amount of times my forms came back from the court because they had mistakes on them and I had to make corrections and resubmit. However, not once did I care or feel embarrassed. All I thought about was how my money was still in my pocket rather than in a solicitors bank account.
When I was a litigant in person, this site didn’t exist. There was so much I didn’t know or understand and I would often say the wrong things when asked a question. I didn’t feel embarrassed even when people smirked, rolled their eyes, or giggled at my lack of knowledge. My exterior was made of steel.
i) WRITE DOWN ALL DATES AND TIMES OF APPOINTMENTS AND COURT HEARINGS IN YOUR DIARY, ON YOUR CALENDER, IN YOUR PHONE OR ON THE FRIDGE – You must not forget to attend any hearings or appointments. Make sure you immediately note down all dates and times in your diary, in your phone, or on your calendar.
j) MAKE SURE YOU WRITE DOWN ALL THE THINGS (ALSO CALLED DIRECTIONS) THE COURT ORDERS YOU TO DO AT A HEARING TO ENSURE YOU DO THEM – During your child proceedings, there will be court hearings where the court will ask you to submit witness statements, evidence, bank statements to name a few. The court will always give you a time limit within which you must submit documents. Please keep on top of this and make sure you always submit documents on time.
k) PLEASE DO NOT TALK ABOUT CHILD ARRANGEMENTS AND PROCEEDINGS ALL DAY LONG AS IF IT’S A PROJECT. TAKE TIME OUT – It is very easy to become engrossed in your child arrangements and proceedings that you end up eating, drinking, and breathing it. You can get so caught up that you will forget to recover and move forward towards a better new life.’
10) ALWAYS REMEMBER ONCE YOU START YOUR CHILD ARRANGEMENTS & CHILD PROCEEDINGS IF AT ANY TIME YOU WANT TO STOP AND WITHDRAW FROM PROCEEDINGS, OR HALT AND RE-THINK YOU CAN DO SO. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!
Many people think that once child proceedings have started or are a certain way along they cannot be stopped or halted. People are often told this by solicitors and barristers who want the proceedings to continue because it benefits them financially or are persuaded not to stop as they may have the upper hand or are reminded by others why the proceedings started in the first place.
We at I AM L.I.P think differently. We have written a Help Guide explaining how exactly you can stop or withdraw from child proceedings. Promise yourself that if at any time you want to stop, withdraw or want to sort out child arrangements between both parties without the courts then you will do that. You will only need the courts to make the final order but all the arrangements you can do amicably between yourselves.
11) USE OUR FORUM TO MEET OTHERS IN THE SAME POSITION OR HAVE BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH
We have a forum on the website to enable you to talk to others around the country who are in similar positions or have been through what you are going through. You will discover a wealth of experience on our forum, it’s free to use and you will get to talk to people who understand your mindset, your worries and above all how you feel.
12) FINALLY, LOOK AFTER YOUR HEALTH AND WELLBEING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE PROCESS
Family court proceedings especially those concerning child issues can be heart wrenching, time consuming, exhausting and traumatic. It is easy to get consumed and overwhelmed which in turn will affect your health, mindset and wellbeing. Most people who start court proceedings end up neglecting themselves as they encounter rough patches, prepare for court hearings, and produce paperwork the court has asked. It is very important to look after yourself and maintain your wellbeing during the entire process no matter how long it takes. This is the reason why we have produced a wellbeing section in this website. Please click on the link below to access our wellbeing section.