Child Loss Through Death
This webpage has been written to help you understand your feelings and the range of emotions that are engulfing your whole being after the passing away of your child.
The death of a child is very sad and one of the most traumatic a person can experience. The emotions you feel inside are exacerbated because of the following reasons:
1) Your child is supposed to outlive you – The natural order is that elders pass away before the younger generation.
2) A parent’s life revolves around children – The impact of the loss is huge because parents are very hands on with their children, their lives revolve around them so the sense of emptiness that follows is felt very deeply.
3) ‘What am I doing this for’ feeling – There is an innate primal part of us that makes us want to provide for our offspring and make their lives easier so they can excel. We make homes, earn money, and save up in order to safeguard our children. On top of that our children inherit the fruits of our lives (for example a home). A child passing away removes that from the equation leaving a feeling of ‘what am I doing this for’ eroding at your desire to progress forward.
4) The glue is gone – Children are the centre of every family. Grandparents visit to spend time with them and Christmas and festivals revolve around them. In fact everything revolves around them. The loss of a child removes one of the reasons that keeps a family together.
5) Shattered dreams and future denied – An example of where dreams that have not had a chance to play out is where there has been a stillbirth or a failed pregnancy for example. The parents are often looking forward to bringing the child home, preparations have been made, and dreams have been dreamt about playing happy families. When this changes it can be very difficult for a parent to process that the things they had been looking forward to are now not going to become a reality.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF WHEN YOUR CHILD PASSES AWAY
The grief involved with the loss of a child takes you through a few stages. We will discuss each one here:
Stage 1 Initial shock – The instant shock and grief that encompasses your whole body the moment you come to know your child has passed away is beyond words. It can feel as if you have been hit by a truck or the floor beneath you has given way. You will spend these moments trying to gather yourself, your thoughts, your feelings and your emotions. However, you will be unable to because you are a long way off from even beginning to process what has happened.
Stage 2 Denial – Stage 1 will very quickly go to the second stage of grief called ‘denial’. Denial is your mind and your body’s way of protecting itself and stopping shock overwhelming you. Denial will cause you to be numb and confused. It will stop you in your tracks because you will not be able to process what has happened and or act on it. To others you will appear as if you are not facing up to or not accepting what has happened, you’re not dealing with the situation or even trying to move forward. During this time you will constantly tell everyone ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m okay’.
Stage 3 Anger – The next stage is the anger stage. The anger stage will slowly creep up and start poking at the denial stage until it completely takes over. This anger (for what has happened) can be directed at many individuals (some innocent and some not). Most of the anger will release during outbursts and your over reactions to things and situations. It can even make you push some people away. During this stage you will feel resentful, frustrated, irritated, and always on edge. You may feel embarrassed at your outbursts and not in control. People around you will start to think you are argumentative, negative, and passive-aggressive. You may come across as a cynic and may start to rely on alcohol to get through.
Stage 4 Guilt – The anger feelings will start transforming themselves into guilt feelings where you will start to blame yourself for what has happened. At the same time you will start to look for a reason, a cause as to why this has happened, what you could have done to prevent it and what did you or your family do to deserve what has happened. You will start sentences with ‘if only I had….’. You will feel anxious, insecure, guilty and be shrouded with a false sense of shame.
There will be a time period where you may not be able to differentiate between the past and future and will come across as pessimistic about the future. This stage will involve a lot of overthinking on your part.
Stage 5 Depression – Stage 4 flows directly into stage 5 and you, with all the overthinking you are doing, will suddenly find yourself in the depths of depression and despair. You will be engulfed in feelings of sadness for your desperate loss.
You may find it difficult to sleep, difficult to do things, go out, and find yourself tearful and unhappy. This is the stage where what has happened will really hit you and take hold over you.
Stage 6 Embrace – Slowly, the guilt stage will start to be replaced with the embracing stage. The embracing stage is where you will start to process what has happened, face reality, try and make peace with it and as a result start to accept it in the best way you can. During this stage you will start to take the first steps of moving forward and be present. You will start to engage with others, remember events, be aware, start to be vulnerable again and you will start to wash your defences away.
HOW LONG DO THESE STAGES OF GRIEF LAST?
There is no time period for these stages to work their way through your life. Do not be hard on yourself if you are not going through the stages fast enough. While dealing with these stages you are also yearning for your child, missing them, feeling lonely, and suffering from depression, stress and anxiety.
ALLOWING YOURSELF TO GRIEVE WITH SOME KINDNESS AND CARE
You are in pain and you’re suffering. There is no doubting that. The journey of grieving you are going through or you are about to embark upon will be trying. Allow yourself to have a few provisions during this journey to help yourself to survive and come out the other side:
1) Allow your support structure around you to help you – Please let the people you know who to want to help, be there for you and care for you. Do not push them away. They will hold your hand during the whole process. If you don’t have a support structure or it is far away then you can join a local support group so you don’t feel isolated.
2) Allow yourself the time to heal and go through the stages of grief – Try not to set a time limit or pressurise yourself to heal in a certain amount of time frame because it suits someone else or that is what is accepted. This is your grief and journey and you must allow yourself the time,patience and care to heal.
3) Express how you feel in a video diary or in a journal – Writing down or talking about your feelings during this time will help you process your feelings. As you write or talk you will make sense of them and understand what is happening to you. This will also give you a chance to go over old notes or videos to see how far you have come in your healing process.
4) Say no to the unhealthy coping methods – There are healthy coping methods and unhealthy ones. Healthy coping methods are things like utilising your support structure and giving yourself time. Unhealthy coping methods are things like drinking, drugs, self harm, risky behaviour, promiscuity and being compulsive.
5) Say yes to continue caring for yourself – It is very easy to stop caring for yourself during this period. The only thing this does is it exacerbates your feelings of sadness and unhappiness. If you can get dressed everyday, exercise everyday and eat a cooked meal everyday your chances to get through the stages of grief will be higher.
WHAT IS COMPLICATED GRIEF?
Complicated grief is the term used to describe the following:
- Grief that does not get better.
- You are unable to deal with the loss and get past it
- You cannot stop blaming yourself for what happened
- You feel like harming yourself.
- You feel suicidal
- You feel like you cannot continue forward
- You feel depressed and it stops you living a normal life.
- You are numbing your feelings with alcohol, drugs, work, sex or food
If this is the case you will need to visit your doctor and explain how you feel. Your doctor can:
- Prescribe medication to help you with your moods and your feelings.
- Refer you to counselling to help you move through the stages of grief.
- Refer you for specialist help for self harm, alcohol abuse or any other type of abuse.
THE AGE OF THE CHILD MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO YOUR GRIEF?
No matter what the age of a child, for the parents and family members the loss is unsurmountable. It can seem that certain losses are deeper than others but for a parent the loss of a child, any child of any age is heartbreaking.
Miscarriage – This is the loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. This can be crushing for any parent leaving them with feelings of guilt, anxiety, shock, and sadness.
Stillbirth – The loss of a baby just before or during birth. This can leave parents in shock, trauma, and feelings of anxiety and depression.
Ectopic pregnancy – Is when an embryo does not imbed in the uterus but somewhere else. This can leave many parents upset, in shock, anxious and in deep sadness.
Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) – This is the sudden, unexplained, and unexpected death of a healthy baby. This is also known as cot death. This can leave parents devastated, in shock, anger and sad.
Sudden unexplained death in childhood (SUDC) – This is the sudden and unexpected death of a child aged between 1 and 18 years of age which remains unexplained after investigation. This can leave parents shocked, fearful, depressed and in shock.
GRANDPARENTS AND GRIEF
Whilst writing this webpage, we at I AM L.I.P were very aware that we had to write about the devastating impact of ‘grandchild loss’ on grandparents.
Occasionally their grief can be overlooked or the depth of it not understood. Grandparents are often considered strong members of the family and end up being strong during this period for all members, especially their own son or daughter. However, they still feel pain, anger, guilt and sadness at the loss.
Grandparents often have to deal with a double trauma.
1. Their own loss of losing their grandchild – The loss of a grandchild will leave guilty feelings because of the unnatural order of death that has occurred and the denied future of a younger member of the family. Most grandparents have their own mortality at the forefront of their minds, not of their grandchildren. They may ask themselves ‘why not me?’ and be overcome with grief as they search for an answer. They could also be sad for the lost moments with their grandchild and the things left unsaid.
2. Watching their own son/daughter deal with the loss of their child – This can leave grandparents feeling desperate and pained as they are overcome with feelings of helplessness as they cannot take the pain away for their own child.
SIBLINGS AND GRIEF
Sibling loss encompasses many different feelings that when combined together can be very overwhelming for an individual and have long term effects.
- It is the loss of someone who knows you and your past no matter how small it is.
- You could be left feeling abandoned by your sibling
- There could be issues left unresolved between you both
- You have guilt at why them and not me
- You have lost a future with your sibling
- Your future children have lost an uncle or aunt
Many siblings will focus on caring and being a support for other members of the family such as their parents. During this process their own grief can be forgotten about not only by themselves but from others as well.