Education and Child Matters

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Cold Parent Syndrome

 

Please note in this Help Guide, the word ‘parent’ refers to the individual(s) who have parental responsibility for a child. 

WHAT IS COLD PARENT SYNDROME?

Cold parent syndrome is a parent who is:

  1. Emotionally absent, unavailable, or distant from their children.
  2. Dismissive, neglectful, and unresponsive to their children’s emotional needs.
  3. Uninterested in the children.
  4. Distracted by other things such as their phone.
  5. Selfish by putting their own needs first. They are self centred.
  6. Makes the children feel as if they are in the way.
  7. Does not let the children get close.
  8. Does not show warmth to the children.
  9. Does not make the children feel safe and secure.
  10. Non-nurturing 
  11. Unloving
  12. Busy with their own life
  13. Critical and controlling of their children.
  14. Narcissistic 
  15. Is not empathetic  
  16. Disapproving.

A cold parent is one that often fulfils the physical needs of their child but neglects loving, caring and showering affection on their child. They also do not let their child show negative emotions and shut these down instantly.

Another name for cold parent syndrome is refrigerator parent or parent wound.

WHY CAN A PARENT SUFFER FROM COLD PARENT SYNDROME?

There are many reasons why a parent can suffer from cold parent syndrome. They are:

  1. They may have been abused themselves as a child.
  2. They may have an untreated mental health issue.
  3. They may have an alcohol or drug problem.
  4. They may suffer from severe postnatal depression.

HOW DOES A CHILD FEEL AROUND A PARENT WHO SUFFERS FROM COLD PARENT SYNDROME?

A child whose parent suffers from cold parent syndrome can feel the following around the parent:

  1. The child does not feel as if they can go to this parent for their needs.
  2. The child will not go to the parent to solve issues. 
  3. The child is uncomfortable around this parent.
  4. The child is nervous around this parent.

WHAT ARE THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF COLD PARENT SYNDROME ON A CHILD?

The long term effect can be:

  1. They cannot deal with their own feelings
  2. They are anxious
  3. They cannot build and maintain relationships.
  4. They lack emotional intelligence.
  5. They have low self esteem
  6. They are insecure.

HOW CAN A CHILD/PERSON HEAL IF THEY HAD A PARENT WHO SUFFERED FROM COLD PARENT SYNDROME?

  1. Avoid turning the neglect of the parent into anger towards them because this anger will consume you.
  2. Also try to stay clear of any resentment towards the parent. This resentment will seep into other parts of your life.
  3. Forgive all that has happened and focus on moving forward. If you can, try and build a new relationship with your parent if it is not hard. However, if it is traumatic then do not.
  4. Get therapy and talk about what has happened to you and how you feel. Get it all out.
  5. Practice self love and compassion. Take a good look at yourself and write a list of all your good points and read them every day. Add to them. Generate warmth and love for yourself. Like yourself and start to enjoy being who you are. Allow yourself to love yourself.
  6. Continuing on from number 4 above, generating warmth and love for yourself will build your self esteem.
  7. Identify feelings of neglect and cold parenting within you, bring them to the surface and aim to dissipate them. 
  8. Nurture your inner child by parenting yourself, caring for yourself and helping yourself to overcome bad feelings.
  9. Actively have loving relationships in your life and keep away from cold relationships.
  10. Actively find other parenting figures in your life and receive the love you missed out on. 

TECHNIQUES THAT COULD HELP HEAL A CHILD/PERSON IF THEY HAD A PARENT WHO SUFFERED FROM COLD PARENT SYNDROME 

1. EMDR – This is short for eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. It is very effective in healing trauma and perhaps something you can look into. Please click on the link below for more information. 

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR EMDR ASSOCIATION UK

2. CBT – This is short for cognitive behavioural therapy. It is a talk therapy which helps heal feelings and strengthens thoughts, beliefs and attitudes.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR MIND FOR CBT

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR NHS FOR CBT

3. HYPNOTHERAPY – This complementary therapy uses hypnosis to treat trauma and to change habits.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR NATIONAL HYPNOTHERAPY SOCIETY

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR NHS – HYPNOTHERAPY