Dealing With The Loss Of A Child Through Abduction
Child abduction whether by the other parent or by a stranger is a very harrowing and traumatic experience. A parent will be taken through an avalanche of different emotions from shock and horror at the abduction to fear of the unknown to torment about not knowing what will happen.
We have written about abduction by a person with parental responsibility (parental abduction) and by a person without parental responsibility (non-parental abduction) elsewhere on this website. Please click the links below.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR ABDUCTION BY A PERSON WITH PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR ABDUCTION BY A PERSON WITHOUT PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTION
THE STAGES OF GRIEF EXPLAINED FOR THOSE WHO HAVE HAD THEIR CHILD ABDUCTED AND NOT RETURNED
In our write up ‘child loss through death’, we explain the 6 stages of grief for child loss. Please click on the link below to be taken to that webpage. Here we adapt these 6 stages of grief for those of you who have had their child abducted.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR CHILD LOSS THROUGH DEATH.
Please note the following stages of grief will be broken once your child is returned.
Stage 1 Initial shock and panic – Finding out your child has been abducted will send shockwaves through your whole being. You will be lost for words and feel as if the ground beneath your feet has been taken away. You will feel unstable. After the initial shock you may go straight into panic mode trying to comprehend what has happened.
Stage 2 Denial – After the initial shock and panic the first thing you will do is disbelieve what has happened. You will do this because you will not be able to process the abduction. It will be too much for you. You may feel numb and feel that you’ve got it wrong. Your child has not been abducted and they will be walking through the door any minute. This is the stage where you are hoping that what is happening to you is not real and you are going to wake up and it will all go away.
Stage 3 Anger – Now anger will start seeping into your mind and your whole being because you will feel that your situation is very unfair. Questions such as how anyone could do this, why are the police not doing more or why your child and why you will circulate in your head. You may take this anger out on yourself or others around you by snapping and being irritable.
Your anger will also be propelled by the thoughts of what could be happening to your child. Are they being looked after and cared for? Will any harm come to them and will you ever see them again. This lack of control you have over what is happening to your child and not knowing what is happening will make you angry.
Stage 4 Guilt – There will be times when you will be overcome with guilt. Was there something you could have done to prevent the abduction? Is the abduction your fault? If you eat something you may feel guilty because you do not know whether your child is being given food. The torment and worry of not knowing will fuel these guilty feelings. This will naturally lead to the next stage of depression.
Stage 5 Depression – If your child is not returned the anger and guilt will start to make you sad and be down. Sadness may start to engulf you and you will start to long for your child. You may fear you will never see them again. You may even worry that your child may think you have stopped looking for them or don’t want them. Your child will now completely dominate your thoughts and you may feel sad a lot of the time. You will be unable to concentrate on the other parts of your life. You will think about the lost future and lost hopes because your child is not being returned. The length of this stage varies person to person.
Stage 6 Embrace – If your child has still not returned there will come a time when you will start getting used to what has happened. You may feel quiet envy towards other families. At the same time you may feel shame when other families talk and mention you or you may feel judged by others.
HOW CAN YOU HELP YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THE ABOVE STAGES?
There are many things you can do to help you travel the journey of grief. They are:
1) Take the support around you – If others around you are aware of what has happened, they will offer their support during this time. Accept the support from those around you. If you do not have the support then you can find a support group in your area. Ask your GP to refer you or go on your local authority website and there may be a link to a local support group. The police will also refer you for help and counselling.
2) Meditate, do deep breathing exercises and relaxation exercises – These therapeutic things will help you relax and cope with your thoughts and feelings. They will help bring a sense of peace to you and help you.
3) Let it out – You have suffered a loss, it is real. What you feel is real. It is important to cry and express your feelings rather than deny what has happened or minimise the effect it has had on you. Bottling things in is okay temporarily but please remember one day these bottled up feelings will come out.
4) Stop your thoughts – This is a technique which will enable you to override and control upsetting or negative thoughts. Tell yourself to stop these thoughts that instant. As soon as you do, replace them with the other or opposite thoughts so you change the way you feel. If you are thinking something bad is happening to your child, stop this thought and think your child is fine and being looked after.
5) Be kind to yourself – Please under no circumstances batter yourself mentally. Nothing is going to be achieved by punishing yourself.
If you do have anger or pain then please direct it towards positivity, helping others and helping out in the community.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)
Abduction of a child is frightening and traumatic. You will be left hurt, pained, shocked and go on to suffer from:
- Guilt
- Shame
- Anger
- Regret
- Depression
- Flashbacks.
- Nightmares
- Physical stress
- Physiological stress
- Numbing of emotions
- Anxiety and they keep thinking something bad is going to happen again.
- They keep reliving the experience.
- They feel alone
- They feel helpless.
- Being unable to forgive themselves
These symptoms are part of a recognised disorder called post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Some may suffer from anniversary anxiety and feel stressed, upset and depressed upon the anniversary of the abduction. Some have these feelings consciously and for some who don’t realise it is the anniversary, they may experience symptoms subconsciously.
Please do not ignore PTSD and contact your GP to refer you for counselling or contact your local authority to find out about any support groups in your area.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR PTSD
WHAT YOU MAY FEEL IF YOUR CHILD IS RETURNED TO YOU?
The first thing you will feel is instant relief and you will be overwhelmed with happiness and joy that you are embracing your child again. However, you will now embark upon a journey where you must take help, guidance and not travel alone.
- You may want to talk to your child about what happened but they may not open up to you. In fact you may feel some distance between you both
- Your relationship may not be the same as the one you had with your child before they were abducted. This will be very hard for you.
- You may start to be overprotective of your child. This is a natural response but over a period of time this may cause friction between you and your child.
- You may from now on always be on edge and in automatic attack mode. Always ready for the worst. You may start becoming a pessimist.
- Continuing from number 4 you will start to distrust situations and all those around you. You could become paranoid.
- You may constantly be angry and feel guilty about what happened and start to drink heavily and find solace in the wrong things that will hurt you and your family.
- You may become over protective of your child. Your child may not like this.