Education and Child Matters

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Self-Harming

 

WHAT IS SELF HARMING?

Self harming is the term used to describe when an individual resorts to hurting themselves as a way of managing, coping and dealing with intense emotions, anger, thoughts and feelings of fear and distress that may be overwhelming them. 

It can also be the case that they may be so numb from the distress they are suffering from that they harm themselves to have some sort of feeling. 

These feelings and thoughts of fear and distress can be caused by trauma, death of a close person, injury, conflict, divorce, abuse, violence, financial difficulties, and academic difficulties. 

WHAT ACTIONS DOES SELF HARMING INCLUDE?

  1. Biting your body
  2. Burning your body
  3. Cutting your body
  4. Bruising your body
  5. Stabbing your body
  6. Pulling out your hair
  7. Pulling out your eyelashes
  8. Carving words on your skin
  9. Punching yourself
  10. Headbanging
  11. Self hitting
  12. Piercing your body
  13. Inserting objects into their body

WHAT CAUSES AN INDIVIDUAL TO SELF HARM? :

  1. Their coping mechanisms to healthily deal with the issues they have are weak. 
  2. They cannot deal effectively with their emotions
  3. They are in a state of turmoil within themselves
  4. They could have feelings of worthlessness.
  5. They could feel nobody cares
  6. They feel confused about their emotions and feelings.
  7. To divert the focus from their emotional pain to physical pain. 
  8. To feel in control 
  9. To punish themselves
  10. To inform everyone around them of their distress
  11. To express their internal feelings in an external way.
  12. To feel something because they feel so numb inside
  13. If self harming reduces the emotional pain, anxiety and stress then the individual has been given a sense of relief.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS TO LOOK OUT FOR IF A CHILD IS SELF HARMING?

  1. Blooded tissues in the bin in their room or the bathroom
  2. Unexplained bald patches
  3. Eye lashes missing
  4. Bruises, cuts and marks on the body
  5. Your child is keeping themselves covered up unnecessarily.
  6. Avoiding going swimming and sports where they will wear clothes that will show their arms and legs.
  7. Feeling anxious, withdrawn and low self worth.

HOW CAN YOU TRY AND PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM SELF HARMING?

Here are some things you as a parent can try and do:

Communicate with them from a young age regularly – Have an open and honest discussion with your child from a young age about self harming. 

Show them how to cope with stress and not internalise it –

  1. Breathing exercises
  2. Listen to some calm music
  3. Meditate
  4. Calling a helpline
  5. Writing everything down on a piece of paper and then putting it away
  6. Do some exercise
  7. Make a happy box full of happy things and memories
  8. Read a positive affirmation book
  9. Watch a comedy show
  10. Rip up a newspaper and get the anger out
  11. Hit a pillow or cushion and get the anger out
  12. They can download a free app on their phone called CALM HARM.
  13. They can download another free app on their phone called TELLMI where they can share their feelings and find support.

Build up your child’s self-esteem – Your child is beautiful. Your child deserves to be happy. Their beauty and their happiness does not depend on the colour of their hair, skin, their body size or their successes and failures. 

From a young age compliment your child on all aspects of their life, from their little achievements at school to completing chores around the house to good behaviour. This will make them feel good about themselves and worthy.

Tell your child they are wonderful, their presence in your life makes you happy and they are a lovely person. 

Whenever they go out and dress up, tell them they are beautiful. Do not ever compare your child to anyone. Just make them feel good about themselves

Be careful about social media and the impact on your children – Social media is full of beautiful images that portray a lifestyle totally unreachable and away from the reality of most people’s lives. Your children are bombarded by this all day everyday. The sad thing is that most of these images have been altered and edited to give a certain look. The lifestyle that is shown with the image is a snapshot of a moment. It is not reality. This can be very damaging for your child’s moral and self worth. They will compare their looks and lifestyle to the one on social media and get upset, start hating their own life and start to try and achieve what they have seen on social media. The only issue is the images and lifestyles are unattainable because they are not real.

You cannot remove social media from your child’s life but you can try and reduce the time they spend on it and make them aware that many of the images are not real and many of the lifestyles portrayed are fake. 

Be observant and pick up on the signs if you can – It is very easy to get caught up with day to day things. But notice if your child has started to feel negative, say negative things, be moody, get angry quickly and withdrawn.

Your child may not be approachable but at least you have been alerted to a possible issue. Speak to your GP or the school to get help.

Try and build a positive trusting relationship with your child – If you are close to your child they will be able to come to you and talk to you, share their fears or when they feel scared or threatened. They will do this if you are approachable, you do not react and do not take what they say personally. When your child comes and talks to you it is about themselves, how they feel and what is happening to them. It is not about your parenting. It isn’t an opportunity to blame yourself. Your child will approach you if you:

  1. Listen to your child intently without interruption.
  2. Do not judge them
  3. Do not take what they say personally 
  4. Understand their reasons
  5. Do not react in a negative manner
  6. Try and find a positive outcome for your child.
  7. Support them through the whole episode.

Build a safe and happy home environment and try to spend quality time with them – If your child receives love, happiness and peace at home they will not look for it elsewhere. There is nothing like quality family time. If they feel safe and happy at home they will most unlikely not go searching on social media to find fulfilment or try to change themselves to feel better. If you give quality time to your children where you are present and not preoccupied, they will feel wanted, secure, and good about themselves. The probability of your child harming themselves will be very much reduced. 

Have regular chats with your child – Listening to your child is a very important part of being a parent. It is your job to encourage your children to talk to you and express themselves. By doing this you will pick up on the early signs of what your child is feeling.

  1. Make time for your child when they want to speak. Stop what you are doing and show them you have time for them.
  2. Encourage your child to speak to you and convey how they feel and open up to you.
  3. Listen intently and show them what they have to say is important.
  4. Hold their hand if they are acceptable to it. 
  5. Tell them they have done the right thing by talking to you.
  6. Do not interrupt them as they speak. 
  7. Try not to ask many questions as they speak. Let them get it all out. 
  8. Try not to react if they tell you something you do not want to hear. Stay calm.
  9. If your child sees you distressed they will close up. Remember you are there for them and not the other way round.

WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD?

You can learn as much as you can about self harm – This will allow you to understand your child, how they are thinking, why they are behaving the way they are and what you are dealing with. Your approach will become managed and your reactions fair.

Do not take anything personally – Whatever your child says or does please do not take it personally. They do not mean it. 

Shower as much love as you can on your child – Show your child love, hug them if they let you, cuddle them if they let you and of course constantly tell them you love them.

Try and stay positive – At this stage you will need to be positive for both you and your child. They may have lost hope or have none at all. It is your hope and positivity which will get both of you through the whole episode. 

Do not be afraid of getting professional help – The professionals will help you and your child, they know what they are doing and they will give you all the support you need.

Look after yourself – Your child needs you to look after them, be there for them and care for them. How are you going to do that if you do not look after yourself?

WHO CAN YOU CONTACT IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR CHILD IS SELF HARMING?

You can contact your GP – If you suspect that your child is self harming please make an appointment with your GP and explain your concerns. Your GP will guide and refer you and your child to the right places.

You can talk to your child’s teacher or year head at school and ask for help – It is very important to speak to the school about any concerns you have about your child’s health. The school has a pastoral department that will work with you to help your child.

You can contact the NSPCC – You can contact the NSPCC and speak to them about your concerns that your child may be self harming. 

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR NSPCC – CONTACT US

You can contact FAMILY LIVES – Family lives was previously known as parentline. You can speak to them about your concerns that your child may be self harming.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR FAMILY LIVES – CONTACT US 

You can call the SAMARITANS – If you need to talk to someone, you can call the Samaritans.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR SAMARITANS – CONTACT US

You can call SANE – If you need to talk to someone, you can call sane.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR SANE

You can contact your local authority child services – You can call them directly or look on their website to see if there are any local support groups where you can get support.

LINK TO GOVERNMENT WEBSITE TO FIND YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITY

You can contact other organisations – 

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE TO CONNECT WITH CHARITABLE ORGANISATIONS THAT COULD HELP YOU.

WHERE CAN YOUR CHILD TALK, GET HELP AND ADVICE?

Your child can contact CHILDLINE – If your child needs to talk to someone, they can call childline.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR CHILDLINE – CONTACT US

Your child can call the SAMARITANS – If your child needs to talk to someone, they can call the Samaritans.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR SAMARITANS – CONTACT US

Your child can call SANE – If your child needs to talk to someone, they can call sane.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR SANE

Your child can call THE MIX – If your child needs to talk to someone, they can call the mix.

LINK TO WEBSITE FOR THE MIX